trying…

“Just try harder, will those legs to move.”

I begged.  I pleaded with God.

She took a fall Friday, another on Saturday and another Sunday night.  Why didn’t she use her walker? A miracle, a neighbor hears her pleas for help in the cold rain, laying on the sidewalk path to the garage. Two days, two nights in the hospital she appears to rally, so that we will bring her home.  She first fights us bringing the sweet 24 hour care-giver.  I am a wreck and so is my dad.  We wonder inside if a wheel-chair needs to be rented. We wonder inside how we will be able to afford this new lifestyle.  We can’t sleep.

She is the best mom a girl could have ever had, but now I feel like I’m the mom and she’s the child.

This is hard.  I feel so angry.  I want to run. It has only been a week; it feels like a year.

My graduate students start this Wednesday.

I need to be up, but I am not.

I’m an anxiety puddle.

God, please help.

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13 thoughts on “trying…

  1. Oh… I hear you! My dad was in the hospital this weekend. It is so hard and so not fair for all concerned. A puddle describes the situation perfectly. My thoughts are with you and yours.

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  2. mrssokolowski

    I’m so sorry. I pray your mom will get better soon. It’s so hard. My Grandma is in her late 80’s and thankfully in good health now I see how my Mom bounces between helping her and helping my sister and me and our children. That sandwich generation…..sending you best wishes to keep you uplifted this week.

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  3. Your pain and worry come through loud and clear in this post. It is such a cruel twist of fate to have children parent their own parents. And I know from my own experience that our parents very often act like middle schoolers – obstinate. I know it helps me to pray not to lose my sense of humor.

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  4. I think many adults have had the same experience. My dad has been through a few things the last few years: dementia and a perforated colon, being the two biggest. He stopped going for walks because his knees hurt. Last summer he fell and it was a wake up call for him. After returning from the hospital, he was resolved to use his walker and walk farther to rebuild his strength. Baby steps. Look for the baby steps.

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  5. It sometimes seems that life is throwing more than we can handle our way. We wonder why things are happening and how can we get through it. It is good to know that when we are at our wits end there is someone we can turn to to take care of things. The good things is, He always does. Keep the faith. Wishing your mom a speedy recovery.

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  6. This is so honest and raw. I hope your mom heals. I can imagine how scared, worried, and frustrated you’re feeling. This stage of life – were we become the parents to our parents – is a stage I fear, too. Thinking of you.

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  7. I hope your mom heals quickly! It’s very difficult to adjust to being the parent to your parent. I know how frustrating that is and how worried you must be. Hang in there!

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  8. I’m so sorry. I used to have to take care of my mother when I was a little girl and she was going through a few terrible illnesses but I don’t know what it’s like with your own mom at a later stage of life. My prayers are with you. I am a caregiver to my best friend. She’s younger than me but she suffers from some horrible illnesses and it is so much. Bless you for being there.

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